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Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and the Non-Jewish Partner

By Andrea King. Reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily.com

Ben and I had been married for a couple of years when I asked him to take me to a High Holy Day service. As a regular churchgoer who enjoyed the ceremonies and rituals of worship, I thought I'd appreciate the service. Besides, I wanted a glimpse into Ben's background.

It turned out to be one of the most disconcerting experiences of my life. Yom Kippur was a blistering September day and the temple was packed. When we arrived, the service was already in progress, but no one looked askance as we (and several other late arrivals) found seats. I noticed that many people seemed to be comfortable talking and walking around during the service. The music, instead of being joyful and uplifting, was downright mournful. To top it off, when the service ended, it just ended. No triumphal procession down the aisle and out of the building to carry the message of faith into the world. People simply left. This was not how we Episcopalians worshiped!

Suddenly I felt distanced from Ben; maybe we didn't share as much as I had thought. This was the one service of the year he was willing to attend, and I wanted to share it with him, but I could not. It was simply too different.

Twenty-some years later, I know that my reaction was predictable. Interfaith couples tend to build their relationships on their similarities rather than on their differences. What the couple shares is much more important to each partner than the ways in which they differ. Couples tend to identify the parallel threads in their ceremonies and holidays, while playing down the differences.

It's easy, for example, to find all the ways that a christening is like a bris (circumcision ceremony) or baby-naming. The Jewish Shabbat and the Christian Sabbath are both designed to be days of rest and worship, set apart from the rest of the week. Christmas and Hanukkah, because they occur at the same time of year, are easy to link. Passover and Easter also have the calendar in common, and because the Last Supper was in all probability a Passover seder, the bond between the two holidays is especially strong.

This comparability can be convenient and comfortable for the Christian partner: for each new Jewish holiday or event, there seems to be a familiar Christian parallel. That, in a nutshell, is why Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are so difficult for non-Jewish interfaith partners. There is no Christian analogy to the High Holy Days.

The two Christian festivals that most American Christians celebrate are Christmas and Easter, which go nicely with Hanukkah and Passover. All four have messages of hope and freedom; all four have home-based customs that focus on children; all four are essentially fun. For many interfaith couples, the "Four-Holiday Calendar" fills their need and/or desire for religious observance.

Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur do not make it onto this top-four list, despite the central role that the High Holy Days play within Judaism. Why? First, there is no big Christian holiday in September to balance them. Second, the whole tone of High Holy Day services is foreign to most Christians. If you haven't grown up with them, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are not easy to understand and appreciate. Somber self-reflection is seldom the theme at Christmas or Easter services. Third, there are few home-based customs in connection with the High Holy Days, so it's difficult to include young children in the observance. Finally, even though it's the one time of year that many Jews are drawn to services, the Jewish partner may not be able to articulate why the High Holy Days are meaningful to him/her, and it's hard to share what you can't talk about.

So why bother with the High Holy Days? Because, even for the non-Jew, there can be meaning in the services and value in the exercise of self-reflection.

Through 20-odd years of Rosh Hashanah, Kol Nidre and Yom Kippur services, I have grown to appreciate them. I see them now as an opportunity to take a break from the hectic demands of family and work, a time to look honestly at my goals and progress, my shortcomings and strivings. The cycle of High Holy Day services is a progression that offers me a chance to clear the dust, cobwebs and disorder from my mind, re-focus on my priorities, and start fresh. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur give us a couple of family days without having to entertain, travel, shop, or even cook much. We can spend time together and, if we choose, take stock of where we've been and where we're going.

I didn't grow up with the High Holy Days. Hearing the shofar (ram's horn, which is blown on the High Holidays) or the Kol Nidre (haunting chant that is offered on the evening of Yom Kippur) will never transport me back to my childhood as it does Ben. For me, the High Holy Days are an adult expression of my continuing growth as a thinking, feeling, caring human being. At High Holy Day services I am part of a community engaged in the process of self-examination. There is meaning in this uniquely Jewish observance, even for this non-Jew.

Andrea King is the Christian partner in an interfaith marriage of 25 years. She and her husband, Ben Cardozo, live in Santa Monica, Calif. The family belongs to Beth Shir Sholom, a Reform synagogue, where their son Nathan became bar mitzvah, Ben has served on the Board, and Andrea heads the outreach program. Ms. King is the author of If I'm Jewish and You're Christian, What are the Kids? (UAHC Press, 1993). She holds a master's degree in education, and supervises the preschools for the Santa Monica-Malibu Unified School District.

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Thank you,

Linda Kanner, LCSW
609 987-8100
LindaK@jfcsonline.org

Community Activities and Events

Walking on Eggshells
Jewish Family & Children's Service
Join other grandparents as we discuss complex issues related to intercultural/interfaith family relationships. Explore how to share your cultural or religious identity with your son or daughter-in-law, their family and your grandchildren in ways that promote mutual respect and positive communication. For further details and to RSVP, please contact Linda Kanner at (609) 987-8100 or lindak@jfcsonline.org.
Time: 9:00AM - 10:30AM
Location: Jewish Family & Children's Service
707 Alexander Road, Suite 102
Princeton, NJ
Pre-Registration Required!

One Couple, Two Faiths
Jewish Family & Children's Service
This workshop provides an opportunity for couples to examine the dynamics and some of the issues raised by their interfaith relationship. Topics will include: beliefs and traditions of family of origin; the impact of two faiths on relationships; expectations of extended family; the religious identity of children; options available within the Jewish community. For further details and to RSVP, please contact Linda Kanner at (609) 987-8100 or lindak@jfcsonline.org.
Time: 11:30AM - 1:30PM; brunch will be served
Location: Jewish Family & Children's Service
707 Alexander Road, Suite 102
Princeton, NJ
Fee: $54/couple
Pre-Registration Required!

Walking on Eggshells
Jewish Family & Children's Service
Join other grandparents as we discuss complex issues related to intercultural/interfaith family relationships. Explore how to share your cultural or religious identity with your son or daughter-in-law, their family and your grandchildren in ways that promote mutual respect and positive communication. For further details and to RSVP, please contact Linda Kanner at (609) 987-8100 or lindak@jfcsonline.org.
Time: 9:00AM - 10:30AM
Location: Jewish Family & Children's Service
707 Alexander Road, Suite 102
Princeton, NJ
Pre-Registration Required!

Taste of Judaism: Are You Curious?
Jewish Family & Children's Service
Whet your appetite in a three-session exploration of Jewish spirituality, values and people. A Taste of Judaism offers a modern, Jewish perspective on living in today's complicated world. For further details and to RSVP, please contact Linda Kanner at (609) 987-8100 or lindak@jfcsonline.org.
Dates: October 27, November 3 and 10
Location: Congregation Brothers of Israel
530 Washington Crossing Road
Newtown, PA
Facilitator: Rabbi Shalom Plotkin
Pre-Registration Required!

Taste of Judaism: Are You Curious?
Jewish Family & Children's Service
Whet your appetite in a three-session exploration of Jewish spirituality, values and people. A Taste of Judaism offers a modern, Jewish perspective on living in today's complicated world. For further details and to RSVP, please contact Linda Kanner at (609) 987-8100 or lindak@jfcsonline.org.
Dates: November 4, 11 and 18
Location: Beth El Synagogue
50 Maple Stream Road
East Windsor, NJ
Facilitator: Cantor Larry Brandspiegel
Pre-Registration Required!

Introduction to Judaism
Are you interested in learning more about Judaism? Perhaps you have always wanted to learn about your heritage but never had the time. Perhaps you are thinking of coming back to Judaism after being away from it. Perhaps you know of someone who is thinking of converting to Judaism but needs a way to get started. Our Introduction to Judaism course is designed for people who are coming back to Judaism or coming to it for the first time. In 16 weeks, we will touch on every important aspect of Jewish life: the Shabbat and holidays, life-cycle events, the Bible and Rabbinic literature, how to make a Jewish home, and much more. The classes will be taught by Rabbis, Cantors and other Jewish professionals from the Mercer-Lower Bucks area. Everyone is welcome, and the cost is minimal. Give yourself the gift of Jewish knowledge.

If you are interested in the next available session, contact Rabbi Carolyn Bricklin at (609) 799-9401 rabbicari@bethchaim.org

Click Here to view program flyer and registration form.

Second Sunday of the month
Gan Katan
8:30am-10:30am
The Jewish Center
Children must be 4 years old by September 30th, 2009
Gan Katan is a new exciting Religious School Preschool Program. For more information and registration forms, please call the school office at (609) 921-7207 or email Fran Amir at famir@thejewishcenter.org or Alisa at alisa@thejewishcenter.org

Interfaith Links

www.Interfaithfamily.com: Online resource for interfaith families exploring Jewish life.

www.half-jewish.net: The Half-Jewish Network - Welcoming the adult children of Jews intermarried to people of other faiths and cultures.

www.myjewishlearning.com: Trans-denominational website of Jewish information & education for learners of all backgrounds.

www.jopp.org: The Jewish Outreach Partnership. In Philadelphia. Their community outreach & education program, "Making Connections," provides home study kits on Judaism.

www.joi.org: Jewish Outreach Institute - dedicated to creating a more open and welcoming Judaism. Has been a leader in the development of Jewish community-based outreach programming. See also their "Mother's Circle" program for non-Jewish women raising Jewish children.

www.intermarriages.com: Jewish converts & Interfaith network. In Philadelphia.

www.interfaithways.org: Interfaith family support network. In Philadelphia.

www.buildingjewishbriges.org: Building Jewish Bridges: Outreach to Interfaith couples and families. In Oakland, CA.

www.FJMC.org: The Federation of Jewish Men's Club's, Inc. - The male volunteer arm of the Conservative Movement. Their "Keruv" initiative seeks to welcome interfaith families within their congregations. In NYC.

Page Updated 8/25/2010