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Linda's Column
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The Christmas Compromise
By Sarah Callahan
Reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily.com
Holidays combine religion and family at the gut level. Because they are filled with concrete symbols and rituals, holidays, more than any other aspects of family life, have shaped the religious identities of my husband and me.
For interfaith families like ours, holidays can be the most difficult test. Because holidays are so enriching to our families--an opportunity to rise out of our workday routines and celebrate together, reaffirm connections with extended family, and get a sense of tradition and continuity--it was worth working through the heavy emotional issues to arrive at a holiday pattern that we can really enjoy.
In deciding how we wanted to handle the holidays in our home, we chose to celebrate the Jewish holidays in a full-bodied way. Devin and I enjoy the folk customs of Judaism such as baking hamentashen for Purim and hosting a Passover seder, and also attend temple monthly and enjoy discussing the ethical teachings and religious concepts associated with holidays. Since we decided to raise our children Jewish, it seemed natural then for us to celebrate the Jewish holidays. However, we came upon a stumbling block when addressing Christian holidays and whether or not we were going to get a tree to celebrate Christmas, as Devin is accustomed to doing.
The Christmas tree triggered the first holiday crisis in our interfaith marriage. The problem began with the fact that the tree is as laden with emotional meanings as it is with decorations--and it meant very different things to me than it did to my husband. For Devin, the tree symbolized the best of family times: special sweets, warm family gatherings, carols, the excitement of giving and receiving gifts. For me, the tree carried an opposite set of feelings. Christmas in my childhood was a time of feeling left out, self-conscious, defensive and different. The tree, more than any other object, symbolized those sentiments. When we shared our feelings, I realized that if we chose not to celebrate Christmas, Devin would have feelings of loss, of being cut off from family, and of losing the right to engage in one of the most precious parts of his religious experience.
After much discussion, we eventually agreed to get a small tree and put it in the corner of the room. I thought that I would be comfortable with it--after all, it is just a big houseplant, right? Unfortunately, the night after we got the tree Devin came home to find me standing and looking at the tree, while crying. I think it was instilled in me at a young age that having a tree is not something you do as a Jew. I have done a lot of things in my life that aren’t Jewish, but having a tree seemed somehow worse--a betrayal of sorts to my family and my religion. Since then, we’ve discussed the issue of our “first tree” many times, and Devin has been very clear that if I am disturbed by having a tree, we won’t have one.
However, this past year was a turning point for me. I put myself in his shoes and realized that Devin felt about the Christmas tree the same way I felt about the menorah. Both are symbols of very important holidays, and as such take on meaning that may not be felt by our partners. How would I have felt if he told me he was not comfortable with a menorah in the house? It would be unfair of me to deprive him of a significant part of his holiday joy, and in response I went into action. One day while Devin was at work, I decided to give him a gift. I went to the store and picked out a tree, crammed it in the car, hauled it upstairs, and set it up the best I could. When he came home and saw what I had done, he didn’t know what to say. He just walked over and hugged me. That was the beginning of our decision to find the commonalities in the Jewish and Christian celebrations instead of focusing on the differences.
Devin and I have recognized that many of the traditions that we grew up with are now foreign experiences to our partner. For example, when Devin and I go to temple, he asks questions, such as what the spiritual meaning is behind the weekly Sabbath. As a result, I am challenged to either answer or to research the answer so that he doesn’t feel like an outsider looking in. I’ve found that when you are challenged to be an expert of your religion, you find out how much you don’t know. Consequently, and more than a little ironically, we are both more knowledgeable about our differing religions than we were before we met.
As an interfaith couple, we each feel a constant challenge to remain connected to our religions. Therefore, even though we have chosen to keep a Jewish household, we have done many things to keep us tied to both the Jewish and the Catholic communities. We belong to a temple in which we participate in a variety of interfaith activities such as an outreach committee focusing on interfaith families, and purposefully introduce ourselves to other interfaith families in the congregation. It is very important for us to search out those who accept our relationship and will help and support us along our journey.
The most important thing that we have done to remain connected to our religions is to build relationships with clergy by meeting individually with them after participating in services. Additionally, we participate in planning events for young adult groups and offer support to other interfaith families in our situation. This gives us an opportunity to ask questions in a constant effort to learn more about our religions. Thus, we are always discovering new and interesting similarities instead of focusing on our differences. Obviously, along the way we have discovered differences as well, the main one being Christianity’s understanding of God as a unity of three persons--Father, Son and Holy Spirit--distinguished in their relations to one another and yet equally God.
It was not easy to struggle through the tension and occasional misunderstandings, to ultimately create a religious home style that is right for us, but it was definitely worth it for the future of our family. Instead of taking the easy road and looking at the ways in which we differ, we have chosen to focus on the countless beliefs we share. We are choosing to create our own traditions for our family--such as making a year-round family volunteer service schedule based on both the Jewish and Christian calendars. We discuss the values symbolized by each holiday and try to plan volunteer work to fulfill those values. Our efforts to seek the universal themes which underlie the holidays make us stronger and more respectful of each other as individuals and of the relationship that we share.
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Please contact me with any questions or suggestions you may have. If you would like to be added to our interfaith eNewsletter distribution list – please call or email me.
Thank you,
Linda Kanner, LCSW
609 987-8100
LindaK@jfcsonline.org
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Community Activities and Events
February 9-12, 2012
Jewish Artist: Mordechai Rosenstein
Beth El Synagogue
Beth El Synagogue in East Windsor is excited to present the renowned Jewish artist, Mordechai Rosenstein, the weekend of February 9th through the 12th. See below for event information:
On Thursday, February 9, 2012, from 1:00pm to 2:00pm, Mr. Rosenstein will lead a presentation entitled “L’Dor V’Dor”. This event will feature a discussion about the artist’s various works of art with Jewish themes and how they relate to Jewish continuity.
On Thursday, February 9, 2012, from 7:30pm to 9:00pm, Mr. Rosenstein will lead a presentation entitled “Women and Art”. This event will feature a discussion and display of art pieces created by Mr. Rosenstein.
On Friday, February 10, 2012, the Shabbat Evening Program will consist of services at 6:00pm and a Shabbat Dinner at 7:30 where Mr. Rosenstein will lead a presentation entitled “My Journey as an Artist”. The cost for the dinner is $18 per person, $10 for children age 12 and under. Reservations are required. Please call the Synagogue office for more information or to make a reservation.
On Saturday, February 11, 2012, from 8:00pm to 10:00pm, Beth El Synagogue of East Windsor will host a Wine and Cheese Reception where Mr. Rosenstein will lead a 45 minutes presentation regarding the famous people he has met as an artist and the art work he has shared with these people of renown. The cost is $5 per person.
Please call the Synagogue office with any questions, (609) 443-4454; www.bethel.net.
March 18, 2012
Reconnecting with Pre-Holocaust Family Members
Beth El Synagogue
On Sunday, March 18, 2012 at 7:30pm, the East Windsor Beth El Synagogue Genealogy Club will be sponsoring a discussion titled "Reconnecting with Pre-Holocaust Family Members". A presentation will be provided illustrating techniques for US, European and Israeli Jewish Genealogy Research.
Beth El Synagogue is located at 50 Maple Stream Road, East Windsor N.J. 08520. Please call the Synagogue office with any questions, (609) 443-4454; www.bethel.net.
March 28, 2012
Speak Up For Israel
Beth El Synagogue
On Wednesday, March 28, 2012 from 7:30pm to 9:00pm, learn how to speak on Israel's behalf and counter claims made against Israel with three practical and effective communication tools. Professor Eugene Kontorovich will give a talk at Beth El Synagogue of East Windsor, titled "Say It Enough, It Still Isn't True: Illegal Occupation, Settlements, Apartheid." Prof. Kontorovich teaches at Northwestern University School of Law, where he specializes in constitutional and international law.
Beth El Synagogue is located at 50 Maple Stream Road, East Windsor NJ 08520. For more information or to register, call (609) 443-4454; www.bethel.net.
Recurring Programs
Introduction to Judaism
Board of Rabbis of Princeton Mercer Bucks
Are you interested in learning more about Judaism? Perhaps you have always wanted to learn about your heritage but never had the time. Perhaps you are thinking of coming back to Judaism after being away from it. Perhaps you know of someone who is thinking of converting to Judaism but needs a way to get started. Our Introduction to Judaism course is designed for people who are coming back to Judaism or coming to it for the first time. In 16 weeks, we will touch on every important aspect of Jewish life: the Shabbat and holidays, life-cycle events, the Bible and Rabbinic literature, how to make a Jewish home, and much more. The classes will be taught by Rabbis, Cantors and other Jewish professionals from the Mercer-Lower Bucks area. Everyone is welcome, and the cost is minimal. Give yourself the gift of Jewish knowledge.
If you are interested in the next available session, contact Rabbi Carolyn Bricklin at (609) 799-9401 rabbicari@bethchaim.org
Click Here to view program flyer and registration form.
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